Welp, it's been over a month since my last serious post. I'll save the life update till the end, because there's some stuff I need to get off my chest.

I'm sure any of you who happens to have known me for any decent amount of time knows my stance regarding religion beating back science. Or at least the teaching of science. I actually have some solid reasons for it too; I spent a large chunk of grade school in a Catholic school, and high school again was Catholic and there was a lot of stuff that wasn't very pretty at all. Save for a few high school teachers (thank you, Mr Wilson, Mr Sasso and a few others whose names shamefully escape me right now), there was a lot of repression. I'm not sure how much of it was intentional, because a lot of the same teachers had lived in the same, heavily religious area of the province their entire lives and so obviously had had stuff fed to them as a kid.

I should qualify just what I mean by heavily religious - I mean heavily Christian. This was a cozy little chunk of Canada that was like a Northern version of the Bible Belt. There were campaigns to move Halloween off of Sunday; there were efforts to toss more Jesus into holidays; there was a lot of disrespect for people not of the Christian faith, to the point where if we expressed an opinion contrary, but innocent, to a Christian belief, we'd get a hellfire and damnation speech in response. There was a lot of creationism enforcement too, which, when I was scared into being a Christian, I grabbed onto. I grew out of it almost as quickly as I fell in, thankfully, though growing out of it also happened at a point where I had access to literature a little more scientific to "if humans came from monkeys why are monkeys still around!".

For a long time I was really angry about it, because I'd realized that I'd been taken, as a child, and made to swear oaths and perform rites that actually had no personal meaning to me at all; this was how it was done, and you better do it, or else you're burning FOREVER. Prayers like the Our Father didn't actually have a meaning, they were just a series of syllables you mouthed because everyone else knew it and it seemed to be mandatory. And this was supposed to be our connection with a divine entity who loved us. But how personal was that love when it was, in many respects, factory processed? We were told to love and worship god, but we really weren't allowed to find a reason to love and worship god outside certain approved ideas (that he sent his son to die for us, that he made us, and so on).

This anger made me lash out quite a bit once I'd finally left that Bible Belt-Buckle, albiet usually in debates on the subject matter to begin with. Whether I was doing it because the topic had strayed into it, or because I felt like ripping a chunk off some religious person and dousing that wound with iodine is.... it's one of those "bit of both" things. It's certainly fine to bring up your beliefs, but I think I did it really abrasively and cruelly.

Part of it was because I was going through another very challenging part of my life. I was learning a lot about myself, having some actual, deep relationships, and life was changing a lot. In high school I was that nerdy kid who hung out with a small circle of other nerds in the back of the cafeteria. In college I was one of the elite. I don't say this to try to pump myself up; I say it because I was (am?) extremely talented at what I was doing and won a lot of respect because of it.

It made me a little pompous and in retrospect I realize I became a little bit like what I'd come to hate: a crusader.

I calmed down after a while, partially because I got into a heavy relationship with a very Christian woman and after the bickerings about creationism settled we'd agree to leave it be. I didn't tell anyone but I was even considering converting back to Christianity (albiet a very liberalized Christianity) for her.

Didn't quite work out.

Once that ended there was a long period of internal strife. Y'know how some people talk about religious experiences? I'd felt that once in a while with her. Y'know, the feeling where everything will be ok, and that maybe, just maybe, there is something that really loves you?

I won't lie, I felt really betrayed once that all ended, both by her and by the divinity I'd begun to want to get to know again. That's all I'll say about her, since that's not important, and it's a subject I deal with only with some very close confidants (and if you, miss, are lurking as you have in the past, please don't get in touch either. It wouldn't be good for either of us). What impacted it all was that it came as part of a series of very damaging blows, physically and emotionally. I won't get into those either, but for a long time I felt absolutely awful, and cast aside.

I was at sort of a crossroads, I think. One of the paths could have led to me becoming even angrier, more vitrolic and spiteful. I won't lie - sometimes I skip on over to that path and tear into people, though usually just for being stupid. Sometimes it's immature and petty, and I'm hoping to grow out of that, really (though sometimes it's totally deserved and I hope I continue doing -that- because sometimes it actually creates a positive change).

I'm not really sure where I am in regards to faith right now. I have a hard time believing in the existence of something divine right now, and again not just because of feeling betrayed, but because of reason. At the same time I'd love to feel that connection some people are so lucky to feel. In some ways I wish it (religion) had worked for me.

Trent Reznor apparently feels the same sort of jealousy now and then but he totally has a better haircut so cheer up Trent you always have that. :3

If there is one thing that's good, though, it's that I've learned a lot over the past while, and in some cases I'm counsel for certain people. I don't pretend to know much more than they do, or that I can always help, and I can admit I'm wrong sometimes, but when it works out and I know I've helped them feel better and grow a little, I feel that little bit of divinity, just for a moment.

It's nice.

I guess I'll just try to help people for a while.






Ok, now for that life update. Freelancing was fun, but all it takes is a long enough dry patch before you have to consider alternatives unless you have quite a nest egg to use for a while, which I don't. I've been looking for work for a while, but as you might imagine it's competitive. I'm doing telemarketing as a stop gap for now and while I'm not proud of it, it's money - good money, that'll let me support myself, so my parents can focus on supporting my sister and saving for retirement instead of having to toss me some cash. And that having been said, if you get a telemarketer and want them to stop calling you, just say "Please take me off your list". Any "clever" gimmick you think you have is old, tired, and ineffectual.

THIS MEANS YOU ALBERTA YOU PACK OF A.M. COUNTRY RADIO CRANKING REDNECKS NO OTHER PROVINCE DOES THAT SHIT